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Before my first Ayahuasca retreat, I had biased ideas about visions. I was expecting something like pictures from books and films that I read. But they didn’t come. There were some cartoons. The plot lasting several seconds was repeated again and again. My mind was very tired of watching this for hours. Every morning, in a conversation with the retreat instructor, I just repeated “there was nothing.” I did not pay any attention to these cartoons. But the visions I expected were still not coming to me.
Thus, two weeks of retreat have passed. I feel no disappointment of the retreat. But heartbreaking thoughts whispered me that everyone was doing great, and I was the only one who dumb like ass. Nevertheless, next year I was in the same place and spend three weeks there already. The same story repeated again. There where deep changes in my mind, despite the depressing thought: “it does not work because there are no visions”. It was impossible not to pay attention to such thoughts, even having understanding that it is so stupid. In almost a year, I had the opportunity to drink Ayahuasca four times. On the second day of ceremony, almost incredible thing happened. I was stretched like warm wax in the corner of the room. It felt like if I hit with my feet the opposite wall, although it was about 8 meters away. It was a feeling of relaxation that I had forgotten long time ago. An expression of happiness appeared on my face and, suddenly, I saw blue-lilac lines flowing around me. But this was not the most surprising for me. I was surprised by the memory that I already saw this in the first and second retreats. I just didn’t remember it before, or didn’t want to remember.
After this experiment, I used to notice lines and patterns each time I contacted with Ayahuasca. It was up on me. If I decided to watch them – it happened, if not – there was nothing. Sometimes it was enough for me just to remember the smell of Ayahuasca to turn on partial perception of the world, unusual to our consciousness.
It would seem to me that the goal has been achieved, but it was another stupid thing. It is the very level where many people stop. I did not stop just because of the firm confidence that the level achieved is only a small step towards my goal. I simply noted my achievement and began to ask myself the question “what is behind partial consciousness?”
And after a few more years and retreats, I still ask myself the same question “what is behind this?” No matter how clear the conscious of this or that moment is despite the confidence of the interpretation my experience, I sometimes question my experience and ask questions again and again. It helps me to stay flexible. After all, often, it is the false belief that we have reached the borders of conscious stops us in further development. Perhaps some points are final, but their number is minimal in comparison with those riddles that we hide from ourselves with a rigidly fixed idea of the finality of the phenomenon.
From a review by one of the Ayahuasca retreat participants …
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